How Long Should a Teenager Be Grounded? Ages 12 to 17

It's 10:40pm. Your 14-year-old walks in 40 minutes late, again. You hear yourself say, "You're grounded for a month," and part of you already knows you'll cave by Friday.

You're not alone, and you're not a bad parent. In the video above, Julius shows how to set consequences that actually stick, including how long they should last.

Why does grounding make my teenager worse?

Grounding makes a teenager worse when it's revenge instead of a lesson. As Julius says in the video, "most punishments don't teach teenagers anything. They only teach them how to hide things better." Then they resent you on top of it.

Here's the reframe. "The purpose of discipline is education." Teens are "adults in training," so the real question is, "what does my teenager need to learn from this mistake?"

• Grounding set in anger is usually too long to keep.
• Grounding with no end date feels like a life sentence.
• Grounding that has nothing to do with the mistake teaches nothing.

We go deeper on this in Lesson 3.2, "Discipline Without Disconnection."

How long should a 14 year old be grounded?

A 14 year old should be grounded for as long as it takes to show you the skill they missed, and no longer than you can keep. There's no magic number of days. The length comes from the mistake, not from your anger.

Julius gives a curfew example in the video. Curfew is 7pm, and they walk in at 7:10. So curfew changes to 6pm "until they prove they can manage their time better." The same rule works at 12, 15 or 17.

What happened	Grounding that teaches	When it ends
Home at 7:10 for a 7pm curfew	Curfew moves to 6pm	When they show they can manage their time
Lied about detention at school	You pick them up straight after school	When they've proven they can be responsible
Forgot to put clothes in the wash	Nothing extra. They wear them as they are.	Monday is the lesson

As Julius puts it, "Trust isn't restored by an apology. It's restored by evidence."

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Step 1 of 5

Step 1: Set the grounding rules on a calm day

Sit down as a family when nobody is in trouble. Say what the house rules are and exactly what happens if they're broken. The phone, the car, gaming and going out with friends are privileges, not rights. Privileges are earned.

• Pick a calm evening this week, not the night of a fight.
• Agree on the curfew and what happens at 7:10.

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Step 2 of 5

Step 2: Calm down, then find out what happened

Never set a grounding while you're angry. Anger is how a month gets announced and a weekend gets served. Walk away if you have to. When you come back, ask first. The behavior you can see is often a symptom: stress, peer pressure or anxiety.

For the anger under the eye-roll, see Lesson 1.3, "The Truth About Their Anger."

"I set up new rules, no electronics in the bedroom and reading, exercise, homework and chores must be done before electronics are used. My 15 year old is trying to manipulate me… i am holding the line."

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Step 3 of 5

Step 3: Ask them what grounding is fair

Before you decide, ask your teen to name the consequence. It feels backward, but it works. As Julius says, "Teenagers are often harder on themselves than you would have been." You still make the final call.

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Step 4 of 5

Step 4: Tie the grounding to the mistake

Ground them from the privilege they misused, not from everything at once. Late home means an earlier curfew. If school already gave a detention, don't pile an unrelated punishment on top. Add one only if they broke your trust, for example by lying about it.

Earning it back is the focus of Lesson 3.1, "Rebuilding Trust—Without Needing Their Approval."

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Step 5 of 5

Step 5: Say how long it lasts, then don't shorten it

Tell them calmly what the consequence is, why you chose it and how long it lasts. Then follow through. As Julius warns, "If the wall moves when they push, they learn one thing. Push harder." So pick a length you know you'll keep.

• Don't shorten it because they've been sweet for two days.
• Don't cave because you're tired.
• Don't move the goalposts because they argued well.

"A teenager who can move your boundaries doesn't feel powerful. They feel unsafe."

Can you ground a 16 or 17 year old?

Yes, you can ground a 16 or 17 year old, as long as it's tied to a privilege. At that age, the car, the phone and nights out matter most. Hand them back as your teen shows they can carry them.

If you're worried about self-harm, an eating disorder, drugs or alcohol, or someone hurting them: GP or counselor first. If your teen breaks things when grounded, read what to do when a teenager destroys things when grounded.

For older teens, Lesson 5.2, "From Child To Adult - Letting Go Without Abandoning Them," shows how to hand over more.

Want the full plan for your teen?

What They're Not Saying: Teens is our online course for parents of teenagers. It shows you what's going on under the eye-rolls, and what to say instead.

• 19 core video lessons, about 2 to 5 minutes each
• Companion texts, real-world scripts and exercises
• Lifetime access, and one purchase covers your household
• $47 USD, one-time payment

It's for parents who are tired of grounding that doesn't stick. It isn't a crisis service. See our guides to consequences for teenagers that work, discipline without punishment and how to stop yelling at your teenager.

Get What They're Not Saying: Teens