How to Stop Fighting With Your Teenager: 3 Shifts and the Words to Use
To stop fighting with your teenager, fix the connection first, because the fight is rarely about the cereal bowl. Give the honest reason behind every no, make boundaries about what you will do, and listen before you fix.
Key takeaways
- Disrespect is usually a symptom of a worn-out connection.
- Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
- Keep your no, and tell them the honest reason behind it.
Show 2 more
- A boundary is what you will do: "I love you too much to argue like this."
- Before giving advice, ask "What are you going to do?"
By eight in the morning you're already in a standoff over a cereal bowl.
You pay for the phone, the lifts, the food in the fridge. And they walk past you as if you're something they've been asked to put up with.
If that's your house, you're not the only one. We've stood in that kitchen too.
The fight is a symptom
Disrespect usually means the connection has worn thin. They don't feel like they're on your team any more.
And teenagers can't measure love in money. They measure it by how safe it feels to be themselves around you.
Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
Here are the shifts from the video above.
Step 1 of 4
Step 1: Put connection before correction
Most of us parent from fear, so we punish hard. To a teenager, that makes you a problem to manage, and it becomes easier to lie to Mum than face her.
- When did you last listen without planning your rebuttal?
- Could they tell you their biggest mistake without you exploding?
- If you were them, would you want to talk to you right now?
Rebuilding Trust: Without Needing Their Approval is about earning their trust back through consistency instead of chasing it.
Step 2 of 4
Step 2: Give the honest reason for no
When we're scared, we control, and control sounds like a brick wall. Keep the no, but tell them the truth underneath it.
- Nothing has been negotiated. The answer is still no.
- Now they can see the love inside it as well as the wall.
- A teenager can lose an argument and still respect you, if you were honest.
You Haven't Failed (Even If They Say You Have) gives you four ways to stop parenting from guilt.
Step 3 of 4
Step 3: Make boundaries about what you do
"You will respect me" is force, and a pushed teenager pushes back. You can't order the rain to stop, but you can open an umbrella.
- Then actually do it. A boundary you don't keep is a bluff, and teenagers call bluffs for a living.
- Once it's calm: "That level of disrespect isn't okay here. If it happens again, you are going to lose your phone for the night."
- If the yelling is yours too, start with how to stop yelling at your teenager.
"I've been calm and steady during moments with my 13 year old daughter the last couple days and what a difference we are already having. I'm holding steady on rules and boundaries and she's respecting them."
The Truth About Their Anger walks through four real blow-ups, with what to say in each.
Step 4 of 4
Step 4: Listen before you fix
Advice they didn't ask for sounds like a vote of no confidence, so they stop telling you things. Bite your tongue on the solution.
- Our son is 30. When Sharny hands him the answer, it goes straight in the "Mum's idea, so no" pile.
- When she just asks what he's going to do, he comes up with her answer. Then he defends it.
- If it turns physical or anyone talks about self-harm, skip the script and get professional help first.
Teaching Emotional Maturity Without Lecturing explains why "Just calm down" backfires, and what to do instead.
If this is your house right now
The video gives you the shifts. What They're Not Saying — Teens is the rest of what got us through raising six kids.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for the same fight on a different night. It isn't for a crisis: if anyone is being hurt, call a professional first.
Start tonight. You don't need their permission to go first.
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
You don’t have to work out what they’re not saying alone
Sharny & Julius’s video course for parents of teens. One payment, lifetime access.
- 19 core video lessons + lifetime updates
- Companion texts for deeper understanding
- Real-world scripts for difficult conversations
- Practical exercises you can implement immediately
One-time payment · Lifetime access
The question under the attitude
Most of the attitude is noise covering a signal.
The signal is a question they'd never ask out loud. Am I safe here? Do I still belong to you, even like this?
Quick clips on this topic
Swipe for more →
Questions parents ask
How do I stop fighting with my teenager?
Start with the relationship rather than the rule you're arguing about. Put connection before correction, give the honest reason behind your no, and make boundaries about what you will do.
How do I stop arguing with my teenage daughter or son?
Keep your answer, and tell them the truth underneath it, such as "I'm saying no because I'm scared for your safety." A teenager can lose an argument and still respect you if you were honest.
What do I do when my teenager yells at me?
Say "I love you too much to argue like this. If the yelling continues, I'm stepping out of the room," and then do it. Deal with the disrespect later, once things are calm.
What should I say when my teenager says they hate me?
Stay calm, and don't match their rage. Julius hears a question underneath it: are you still there, even now?
Why does my teenager argue with everything I say?
Often every conversation has started to feel like a critique, so they defend themselves by reflex. Listening first, and asking "What are you going to do?", gives them less to push against.