My Teenager Won't Talk to Me: Why They've Gone Quiet, and the OPEN Fix
When your teenager won't talk to you, it's usually because talking has started to feel unsafe. Julius's OPEN framework changes your side first (Own your state, Provide choices, Eliminate judgement, Need their opinion), and What They're Not Saying: Teens goes deeper.
Key takeaways
- Teens read your mood before you speak.
- Own your state: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be close?"
- Give choices, not commands. You decide the outcome, they decide the how.
Show 3 more
- Validate first and drop the "but".
- Ask their opinion on something you don't know the answer to.
- Retire "How was school?" and ask about their world.
One day your teenager stops telling you about their day. Then they stop asking for your advice.
Then you pass in the hallway and realise you've become two strangers sharing a roof.
Almost every parent of a teenager reaches this point. Most think they're the only one.
Why they've stopped talking
- They read you first. Your jaw and your tone tell them a verdict is coming before you knock.
- The trial balloons stopped landing. Judge or fix too fast, and they share one less thing each week.
- Sometimes the silence is trust. They perform all day at school. Home is where they put it down.
If the silence comes with talk of self-harm, not eating, drugs or alcohol, or someone hurting them, don't wait. Talk to your GP or a counsellor now.
For everything else, here's the OPEN framework from the video above. Every move starts with you.
Step 1 of 5
Step 1: O: Own your emotional state
If your heart is racing or you feel any anger, you're not ready to parent yet. Walk away, and come back calm.
- Run a three-second scan: where is the tension in your body?
- Name the feeling.
- You'll seldom get right and close in one conversation. Pick close.
When they're the one melting down, Teaching Emotional Maturity Without Lecturing shows what to do instead of "Just calm down."
Step 2 of 5
Step 2: P: Provide choices, not commands
To a teenager, a command is a hand grabbing their steering wheel. A choice between two yeses lets them drive.
- You decide the outcome.
- They decide the how and the when.
- Every choice you hand over is a rep. Home is the cheapest gym they'll ever train in.
Raising someone who won't need managing is the spine of Independence Is The Goal.
Step 3 of 5
Step 3: E: Eliminate judgemental language
"I get where you're coming from, but..." Everything before the "but" gets deleted, so validate first, full stop.
- Then wait.
- Later, ask: "What would you do differently next time?"
- Every time they open up and it goes okay, you earn the right to hear the next thing.
After The Storm uses the same move after a blow-up: one question, then silence.
Step 4 of 5
Step 4: N: Need their opinion
My father never asked for respect, and got it anyway. He knew far more than his students, and he never once made them feel he was better than them.
- Ask something you don't already know the answer to.
- "Am I missing something here? How does it look from where you sit?"
- The first time, they'll study your face for the trick. So mean it.
Going from expert to example is the subject of They're Not The Only Ones Growing.
Step 5 of 5
Step 5: Bonus: escape "How was school?"
After three thousand repetitions, "How was school?" sounds like a roll call. Ask about their world instead.
- Teenagers talk in windows: late at night, in the car, at the sink.
- Don't turn into a detective inside one.
- "Huh, tell me more about that."
For five practical habits, read how to get your teenager to open up. For one-word answers, see my teenager only talks in one-word answers, and for sons, parenting teenage sons who won't talk.
"I finally feel hopeful about having a plan of action... this morning my son said 'thank you, I appreciate it' when I peeled his kiwi. I was floored... That conversation there was PRICELESS."
They Don't Talk Any More shows what teen silence is made of, and the one sentence to say instead of another question.
If the silence is your house
The silence usually has more under it. What They're Not Saying — Teens is everything that got us through the quiet years with our own six kids, in one place.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for the parent who misses their kid across the table. It isn't for a crisis: if you're worried about their safety, a professional comes first.
Start tonight. Watch the first lesson after they've gone to bed.
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
You don’t have to work out what they’re not saying alone
Sharny & Julius’s video course for parents of teens. One payment, lifetime access.
- 19 core video lessons + lifetime updates
- Companion texts for deeper understanding
- Real-world scripts for difficult conversations
- Practical exercises you can implement immediately
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Nobody can make a teenager talk
The only move that has ever worked is becoming the parent they'd want to talk to again.
They're deciding whether that's you every day. Make the verdict easy.
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Questions parents ask
Why won't my teenager talk to me?
Often because talking to you has started to feel risky, with lectures, quick judgement or fixing. Teens pick up your mood before you say a word.
Is it normal for a teenager to stop talking to their parents?
Pulling back is very common in the teen years. If the silence comes with signs of self-harm, not eating, drugs or alcohol, or someone hurting them, speak to your GP or a counsellor now.
What do I do when my teenager won't talk to me?
Start with yourself: go to them calm, give choices, drop the "but" and ask their opinion. None of it needs your teenager to change first.
What should I ask my teenager instead of "How was school?"
Ask about their world, like "What's the story with that teacher everyone hates? How's that going?" Teens often find it easier to talk about other people first.
My teenage son won't talk to me. Is it different for boys?
The same framework applies, but with sons the talk often comes side by side, in the car or while their hands are busy. There's more in how to get your teenager to open up.