Should I Check My Teenager's Phone? (And What About Their Room?)
Julius's answer is to check openly: set the rule that it's your phone before they get it, and if you look, do it with them beside you. Leave the room and the diary alone unless there's a real safety concern, because snooping teaches a teen to hide things.
Key takeaways
- Make privacy and trust the default; honesty earns freedom.
- Snooping "just in case" teaches them to hide things, and that you're a liar.
- A real safety concern is different. Step in as the parent, openly.
Show 3 more
- Set the phone rule before the phone: you pay, it's yours, you can check it.
- Already have one? "This is my phone, and you're using it."
- If you check, do it with them, never behind their back.
They're at school. Their bedroom door is half open, and the top drawer is right there.
Or it's their phone, face-down on the bench while they shower. You know the code.
If you've stood there, you're not the only one. Wanting to know your kid is safe is as normal as parenting gets.
The mum who'd make a great detective
I know a mother who said she'd have made a great detective. She'd been a sneaky teen, and swore her daughter would never get away with what she had.
So she searched. Drawers rummaged. The diary moved. Her perfume hanging outside the bedroom door.
Her daughter knew. So did the entire school.
"A lot of problems with parenting is that we as parents give our kids what we needed, not what they need."
The once bubbly girl went quiet. Then she ran away, and on her own, she was taken advantage of.
When she was brought home, her mother's first words were, "How could you do this to me?"
That story is why our house runs differently. Here's how, from the video above.
Step 1 of 4
Step 1: Make trust the default
In our house, privacy is the default and trust is the default. The more honest the kids are, the more freedom they earn, and they know the deal because we've said it.
- Trust is the image. Honesty matters more than what shoes you're wearing.
- Once it's gone, it's gone. We teach them to protect it with everyone they meet.
- It doesn't take a detective to notice when a child is becoming sneaky.
Rebuilding Trust: Without Needing Their Approval shows you how to build trust on consistency, and what to say when they tell you "You don't care about me."
Step 2 of 4
Step 2: Don't snoop "just in case"
A child can survive a strict parent. The day they find out you've been going through their stuff behind their back, they won't forgive it or forget it.
- Snooping teaches two things: "if I want privacy, I have to hide things" and "Dad is a liar".
- A real safety concern is different. I'm the parent, and I'll step in, openly.
- Genuine danger (self-harm, drugs, an eating disorder, an adult contacting them): get your GP, school counsellor or emergency services involved first.
If they've gone quiet and that's why you're tempted, They Don't Talk Any More shows you how to protect the moments they do open up, without turning detective.
Step 3 of 4
Step 3: Set the phone rule before the phone
We learnt this from a retired police officer who saw teenagers' phones come into the station all the time. What was on them scared him, so he told his own kids this.
- You're paying, so it's your phone and their privilege.
- Everyone knows the rule before the box is opened.
- He was upfront, so his kids respected him for it.
Discipline Without Disconnection covers setting the rule before it's broken, and the exact words for when it is.
"We reassured him, that we trust him, but because we don't know the person, we just need to make sure we are here to support you... All the kids came and said thank you as they left."
Step 4 of 4
Step 4: Check it with them, not behind them
If they already have a phone and you pay for it, tell them plainly now. Then, if you ever need to go through it, sit with them and do it in front of them.
- It's a privilege, a trust privilege.
- Never behind their back.
- More: a teenager addicted to their phone and taking the phone away.
If the phone itself is the fight, They're Not Addicted To Their Phone, They're Addicted To Escape shows you what the scrolling is covering for.
If this is your house right now
The video gives you two rules. What They're Not Saying — Teens is where we teach how to know your teenager is safe without spying on them.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for parents tired of the half-truths and the hiding. It isn't for a crisis: if your teen is in danger, call a professional first.
Start tonight. Leave the drawer shut, and press play.
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
You don’t have to work out what they’re not saying alone
Sharny & Julius’s video course for parents of teens. One payment, lifetime access.
- 19 core video lessons + lifetime updates
- Companion texts for deeper understanding
- Real-world scripts for difficult conversations
- Practical exercises you can implement immediately
One-time payment · Lifetime access
What she never found
That mother found plenty in her daughter's room.
She never found the girl who used to tell anyone anything.
Quick clips on this topic
Swipe for more →
Questions parents ask
Should I check my teenager's phone?
Julius says yes, openly. Make the rule clear first, and if you look, sit with them while you do.
Should I go through my 13 year old's phone?
Set the rule before or as they get the phone, so it's never a surprise. Then check it together.
Should I search my teen's room?
Not "just in case". Julius steps in only for a real safety concern, and does it openly.
Is snooping on teenagers ever OK?
Julius says a teen who finds out you've been sneaking through their things won't forgive or forget it. If there's real danger, act as the parent and get professional help.
How much privacy should a teenager have from their parents?
In Julius and Sharny's house, privacy and trust are the default, and the more honest the kids are, the more freedom they earn.