When Your Teenager Has Bad Friends: 4 Steps That Don't Backfire
Teenagers often choose bad friends for acceptance without conditions, so banning the friend usually makes them cling harder. Julius's long game: observe out loud, make your home the better option, back the good friendships, and stay close without controlling.
Key takeaways
- A bad friend often offers acceptance without conditions.
- Telling, banning and arguing make the friendship sacred.
- Observe out loud: "I noticed when you're around them, you seem different."
Show 3 more
- Be the house everyone wants to be at.
- When it falls apart, skip "I told you so".
- If it turns dangerous, step in and get professional help.
You can see it as clearly as anything. There's a friend dragging your kid down.
You watch your teenager go dimmer around them. Every instinct says get them away from this kid.
And you can't say it. The second you do, that friendship becomes the hill they'll die on.
Why teenagers choose bad friends
Your kid isn't stupid. On some level they know this person isn't good for them.
They choose them anyway, because that friend offers something they badly need: acceptance without conditions. Even when it's toxic, it feels better than being alone.
Telling them straight, banning it and arguing all make it worse. What works is slower. Here are the four steps from the video above.
Step 1 of 4
Step 1: Observe out loud
Don't make the friend the enemy. Say what you notice, neutrally, then leave it alone.
- "I noticed you stopped doing [the thing they love] since you started hanging out with them."
- "I noticed they don't seem to celebrate you when good things happen."
- No verdict. They're seeds, not accusations.
Attention Seeking goes underneath the teenager who jumps from friend to friend, desperate to be seen.
Step 2 of 4
Step 2: Make your home the better option
If you want them spending less time with that friend, make your house more appealing than wherever they're going. Food, freedom, zero interrogation.
You're not the jail warden. You're the house everyone wants to be at.
- No bribes. Just somewhere they and their good friends want to be.
- You see who they're with and hear the conversations.
"After some grumpy alone time, he eventually said, can they all come to the summer house? And they did. A great bunch of kids hung out, laughing and having fun, in the safety of our home."
Rebuilding Trust: Without Needing Their Approval is how to hold a line without chasing their approval, so your door stays the one they walk through.
Step 3 of 4
Step 3: Back the good friendships
Stop trying to remove the bad friend. Invite the solid kids over and make it easy to be with people who lift your teenager up. Over time, the good ones crowd the bad one out.
- That line is for the rescuer, the kid who picks the broken friend to save them.
- You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
- For the everyday fallout, see teenager friendship drama.
From Child To Adult: Letting Go Without Abandoning Them is how to let them choose and feel the sting, without cutting the tie.
Step 4 of 4
Step 4: Stay close without controlling
Bad friendships tend to fall apart. When it happens, your kid needs someone who didn't spend months saying "I told you so". That's you.
- Ask without judgement. Stay curious when you'd rather accuse.
- If it turns dangerous (illegal activity, escalating drinking or drugs, real harm), step in, pull them out and get professional help.
- Drinking involved? Read when your teenager's friends drink.
The 4 Life Ruiners has the warning to give before the party: "The person who offers it to you won't look dangerous. They'll look cool."
If this is your house right now
Four steps are one piece of it. What They're Not Saying — Teens is the rest of what helped us with our own six kids.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for the parent biting their tongue every time that name comes up. It isn't for danger: if your teen is at risk, get professional help first.
Start tonight. There's a better way to say "that kid is bad for you".
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
You don’t have to work out what they’re not saying alone
Sharny & Julius’s video course for parents of teens. One payment, lifetime access.
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- Real-world scripts for difficult conversations
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The day they work it out
This season is teaching your kid to spot red flags and trust their own gut.
One afternoon, in the car or at the kitchen bench, they might say it themselves. "I realised they weren't good for me." You get to just nod.
Quick clips on this topic
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Questions parents ask
What do I do when my teenager has bad friends?
Don't attack the friend. Observe out loud, make your home the better option, and invite the good friends over.
Should I forbid my teenager from seeing a friend?
Usually not, because they'll see the friend in secret and you lose sight of both. The exception is danger: illegal activity, escalating drugs or alcohol, or real harm.
Why does my teenager choose toxic friends?
Often because that friend offers acceptance without conditions, which feels better than being alone. Some teenagers are rescuers trying to fix a broken friend.
How do I stop my teenager hanging out with bad friends?
Play the long game: back the good friendships and make your house the one they want to be at. Bad friendships tend to fall apart on their own.
What do I say when my teenager's friendship falls apart?
"I'm sorry that happened. That must hurt. What do you need?" Skip the "I told you so".