My Daughter Only Talks to Me When She Wants Something: 5 Steps

It's 4:15pm. Your daughter hasn't said more than "fine" to you since Sunday. Then she's in the kitchen doorway, phone in hand: "Can you drive me to a friend's? And I need $20."

If your daughter only talks to you when she wants something, it stings. It can feel like you've become a taxi and an ATM. In the video above, Julius explains why teens go quiet, and how the small asks can become the way back in.

Why does my daughter only talk to me when she wants something?

Your daughter only talks to you when she wants something because asking feels safe, and sharing doesn't, yet. As Julius says in the video, "The silence is not the real problem. The real problem is safety."

Talking stopped feeling worth the risk: the lecture risk, the overreaction risk, the risk of it turning into a thing. A request is short and has a clear end. Her feelings don't.

• Pulling away is part of growing up. A teen is an adult in training.
• "Independent doesn't mean disconnected." She still needs you, just differently.
• The ask is her choosing to come to you. That's a door, not an insult.

We go deeper on the quiet years in Lesson 1.1, "They Don't Talk Anymore."

What do I do when my teenager only talks to me when they need something?

When your teenager only comes to you with a need, treat each ask as a small chance to show that talking to you is safe. These five steps come from the video, aimed at the moment she walks up and asks.

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Step 1 of 5

Step 1: Check your intention before you answer the ask

The hardest part is the line you want to say: "Oh, so now you talk to me." It feels fair. But she hears that coming to you costs something.

Julius suggests one question before you open your mouth: "are you about to speak to control them or to understand them?"

• Skip the guilt line, even if you've earned it.
• Answer the ask first. Save any conversation for later.

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Step 2 of 5

Step 2: Make the easy things easy to bring to you

A ride, $20, a form to sign. These are the easy things. In the video, Julius puts it plainly.

"If they can't come to you with easy things, they won't come to you with hard things." The ask is practice for the day she's in real trouble.

You don't have to say yes to everything. A calm no keeps the door open. A no with a lecture closes it.

Rebuilding this kind of trust is the focus of Lesson 3.1, "Rebuilding Trust. Without Needing Their Approval."

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Step 3 of 5

Step 3: Turn the ride into a small moment

When she asks for a lift, say yes to the car, too. "Real trust isn't built in sit-down, hold my hand talks." It's built in ordinary moments. The car is the easiest one: side by side, eyes forward, no eye contact.

• Turn the music down a little and say nothing.
• If she says something random, don't pounce. "They nibble. Don't strike."

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Step 4 of 5

Step 4: Remember the names and the drama

Julius shares what his own dad did. "He remembered the names, my friends' names." He remembered yesterday's drama and asked about the next episode. Julius says that made him "so easy to talk to."

Why it works: "teenagers find it a hundred times easier to talk about other people's lives than their own." The gossip is the warm-up. Sit through it without a lesson, and the real stuff follows.

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Step 5 of 5

Step 5: When she does bring a problem, ask before you fix

One day the ask won't be a ride. It'll be "School's been really stressful." Most parents compare or fix, and both end the talk. Instead, try "tell me more. Or I'm listening." Then wait.

• Swap "Why did you do that?" for "What happened before this?"
• Ask "What happens now? What are the consequences?"

This is the heart of our welcome Lesson, "Independence Is The Goal."

"I’ve been calm and steady during moments with my 13 year old daughter the last couple days and what a difference we are already having. I’m holding steady on rules and boundaries and she’s respecting them. I have to hold my tongue sometimes to not go into lecture, but so far it’s paying off!"

"Your teenager doesn't need a perfect parent."

If you're worried about self-harm, an eating disorder, drugs or alcohol, or someone hurting them: GP or counselor first.

For older teens, Lesson 5.2, "From Child To Adult - Letting Go Without Abandoning Them," shows how to stay close while you let go.

Want the full plan for your teen?

What They're Not Saying: Teens is our online course for parents of teenagers. It shows you what's going on under the silence, and what to say instead.

• 19 core video lessons, about 2 to 5 minutes each
• Companion texts, real-world scripts and exercises
• Lifetime access, and one purchase covers your household
• $47 USD, one-time payment

It's for parents who feel like a taxi and an ATM. It isn't a crisis service. See our guides to getting your teenager to open up, one-word answers and parenting silent teens.

Get What They're Not Saying: Teens