My Teenager Punches Walls When Angry: What to Do Next

You said no to the party. Your son storms down the hall, and then you hear it: a thud, and a fist-sized hole in the bedroom wall. Your heart is pounding, and part of you is scared of your own kid.

If your teenager punches walls when angry, you're not alone, and you haven't failed. Here's what it usually means, when it's a red flag, and five steps for tonight and tomorrow.

Safety first: if anyone is hurt or in danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. If you're worried about self-harm, an eating disorder, drugs or alcohol, or someone hurting them, see a doctor or counselor first.

Why does my teenager punch walls when angry?

Usually, a teen punches a wall when a feeling is too big for words. It isn't okay. But it is a signal, not just a personal attack.

"That disrespect isn't a personal attack. It's a desperate, messy signal for something else completely."

In the video above, Julius calls the attitude "noise covering a signal." Under the noise, your teen is often asking two things: "Am I safe here? Do I belong to you even like this?"

• They feel unheard, so they get louder.
• They feel powerless after a no, so they hit something.
• They don't have the words yet, so their body does the talking.

What sits under teenage anger is the heart of Lesson 1.3, "The Truth About Their Anger."

Is punching walls a sign of anger issues?

Punching walls once, after a big blowup, can happen in a normal family. A pattern is a sign to get help. Use this table as a rough guide.

What you see	What to do
Once, after a big no	The five steps below
Every week, or getting worse	Talk to a doctor or counselor
A hurt or swollen hand	Get the hand checked
Threats, or hitting people or pets	Get help now, and keep everyone safe

What to do when your teenager punches a wall

You can't control their anger, but you can control what you do next. These five steps run from the moment it happens to the next day.

1

Step 1 of 5

Step 1: Get calm and step back

Don't yell louder, block the door or grab them. Lower your voice and give them space.

Julius puts it this way: "You can't command the weather to stop raining, but you can open an umbrella." A boundary is about what you will do, not what they must do.

2

Step 2 of 5

Step 2: Do what you said

If the yelling goes on, walk out. Calmly, every time. As Julius says, "teenagers call bluffs for a living." Empty threats teach them your words mean nothing.

• Leave the room, not the house, unless you feel unsafe.
• Don't make threats you won't keep.

"I've been calm and steady during moments with my 13 year old daughter the last couple days and what a difference we are already having. I'm holding steady on rules and boundaries and she's respecting them... so far it's paying off!"

3

Step 3 of 5

Step 3: Talk after the storm, not during it

Wait until you're both calm, often the next morning. Then connect first. Julius's rule is "Connection should always be before correction. Not instead of it, before it."

How to run that calm, next-day talk is covered in Lesson 3.4, "After The Storm."

4

Step 4 of 5

Step 4: Set the standard before next time

Punishment after the fact builds resentment. A consequence named in advance, while things are calm, feels fair.

• The wall gets fixed, and your teen helps fix it.
• If it costs money, they chip in what they can.

5

Step 5 of 5

Step 5: Rebuild the connection

Anger grows when teens feel unheard. Julius puts the fix simply: "Kids spell love t i m e." Ask yourself his three questions.

1. When did I last listen without planning my rebuttal?
2. Could they tell me their biggest mistake without me exploding?
3. Would I want to talk to me right now?

Even our son, now 30, tunes out answers he didn't ask for. If Sharny hands him one, it's "Mom's idea, so no." A question works better.

Staying steady while you teach this without a speech is part of Lesson 3.3, "Teaching Emotional Maturity Without Lecturing."

What if my teenager throws things when angry?

A teen who throws things when angry needs the same five steps. But anything thrown at a person, or near one, is a safety issue.

• Move younger kids and pets out of the room.
• Step back out of range, then start with step 1.
• Next day, they clean up and help replace what broke.

Want the full plan for your teen?

What They're Not Saying: Teens is our online course for parents of teens aged 12 to 19. It shows you what's going on under the anger, and what to say instead.

• 19 core video lessons, about 2 to 5 minutes each
• Companion texts, real-world scripts and exercises
• Lifetime access, and one purchase covers your household
• $47 USD, one-time payment

It isn't a crisis service. For more help, read our guides to an angry, disrespectful teenager and how to stop fighting with your teenager. Or try discipline without punishment and our teen parenting guide.

Get What They're Not Saying: Teens