How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teenager: 4 Techniques
Teenagers pull away partly because, around 13, they start feeling judged everywhere, including by you. Julius's four techniques: judge yourself out loud, stay calm in their storm, point your praise at what they did, and read the behaviour as a message.
Key takeaways
- Around 13, a judgement radar switches on, and you're on it.
- Own your own mistakes out loud, then leave.
- Stay calm in their storm: "I'm not going anywhere."
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- Praise effort and character over talent.
- A slammed door is a message. Answer the message as well as the rudeness.
"How was school?"
"Fine." They don't even look up.
And you stand in the doorway a second too long, wondering when your child became a stranger who lives in your house. Plenty of parents are standing in that doorway tonight.
Why they pull away
Around 13, teenagers grow a judgement radar. School, friends and strangers online are all judging them, and they're brand new to it.
So when you walk in with a question, the radar doesn't see Mum or Dad. It sees another judgement coming.
They won't do what you preached. They'll do what you did.
Here are the four techniques from the video above. Each takes about a minute, and none needs their cooperation.
Step 1 of 4
Step 1: Judge yourself out loud, then leave
You've just lost it with their little brother and the whole house heard. Go to their door and own it plainly, the way you'd tell a mate.
- Then leave. A grunt is a perfect reply, so don't hover.
- No lesson on the way out. The power is that it costs them nothing.
- Make the real apology, and the brother still deals with what he did. (More in how to apologise to your teenager.)
They're Not The Only Ones Growing is about owning it when you've been the reactive one, and changing direction in front of them.
Step 2 of 4
Step 2: Stay calm in their storm
"I hate living here." Your body has voted before you've decided anything. Breathe, and work out what's driving you.
- Your four fuels: fear, ego, expectations, or an empty tank at the end of a long day.
- Their question: can you hold me together while I fall apart?
- Later, once it's calm: "The way you spoke to me earlier isn't okay in this house."
The Truth About Their Anger walks through four real blow-ups, with what to say in each.
Step 3 of 4
Step 3: Point your praise at what they did
Your teenager is collecting evidence about who they are, and you're the biggest witness. Problems announce themselves, so most of us only point out what's wrong.
- Praise the effort, because it's theirs and they can repeat it.
- Be careful with "gifted". A kid with nothing left to prove stops trying.
- Notice character: the kindness, the truth when a lie was easier, the second attempt.
Attention Seeking goes deeper on the teenager who only feels they matter when someone's watching.
Step 4 of 4
Step 4: Read the behaviour as a message
The slammed door and the silence are messages they don't have words for. If you only answer the rudeness, they'll send it again next week, louder.
- Maybe they tell you. Maybe you get a grunt. Either way, they know you saw past the door.
- Their day is one long performance. You're the one person they don't perform for.
- That closed door is trust. (See one-word answers and when they won't hug you any more.)
"It is like staring at a growling pit bull and making myself be calm (and yes staying next to him) but this morning my son said "thank you, I appreciate it" when I peeled his kiwi."
Rebuilding Trust: Without Needing Their Approval is how to stay steady while they're cold, without explaining yourself over and over.
If this is your house right now
Four techniques are a start. What They're Not Saying — Teens is the rest of what helped us with our own six kids.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for the parent who misses their kid while living under the same roof. It isn't for a crisis: if your teen is at risk, call a professional first.
Start tonight. Your teenager doesn't have to do a thing.
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
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What the silence means
They can't fall apart at school. It costs too much.
So they carry it home and set it down near you. You're the person they're allowed to be tired with.
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Questions parents ask
How do I improve my relationship with my teenager?
Start with small things that don't need their cooperation: own your mistakes out loud, stay calm when they're upset, and praise effort over results.
Why is my teenager pulling away from me?
Around 13 they start feeling judged everywhere, so a question from you can feel like one more judgement. Their silence at home often means they feel safe enough to stop performing.
How do I connect with my teenager?
Model what you want to see. They won't do what you preached; they'll do what you did.
Why is my teenage daughter so distant?
Often she's carrying a long day she couldn't let go of at school. Try "Something had already filled you up before you snapped at me. What happened?"
Should I praise my teenager?
Yes, but aim it at effort and character, because that's theirs and they can repeat it. Be careful with "gifted", which can make a kid stop trying.