How to Connect With Your Teenager (and the Mistakes That Cost It)
Connection with a teenager starts with seeing them as a young adult in training, and staying close even when you don't understand them. Watch your words, own your mistakes once, and What They're Not Saying: Teens has the full way back.
Key takeaways
- The moods are the middle, not the end of who they are.
- Your teen isn't your enemy. They're frightened.
- You don't have to understand them. Stay.
Show 3 more
- Your words become their inner voice.
- Own your mistakes once, then move forward.
- Send the text. Small sentences add up.
It's late and you're lying in bed running the replay.
The tone you used about the dishes. The look on their face. The sentence that came out before you could stop it.
Under it, a quieter voice: you've got this whole thing wrong.
You miss them
The easy conversations. The in-jokes. The kid who held your hand crossing the road.
Now it feels like you're outside a door, trying to work out the code. Nearly every parent of a teenager knows that door.
"This is not the end of who they are. This is the middle."
Here are six short videos on getting back in.
Step 1 of 6
Step 1: Look at an old photo
Pull out a photo of your child from ten years ago. That's the same person in their room ignoring you. The moods are construction. Watch the Short.
- This year's conversations shape the adult on the other side.
- Think of them as a young adult in training, not a kid.
From Child To Adult: Letting Go Without Abandoning Them is about leading them through the middle.
Step 2 of 6
Step 2: They're not your enemy
It feels like a negotiation with someone who hates you. They don't. They're frightened, and you're the one they feel safe enough to take it out on. Watch the Short.
- Of growing up and not being ready.
- Of not belonging.
- Of a body changing without permission.
For daughters, She's Not Dramatic, She's Drowning names what she's carrying.
Step 3 of 6
Step 3: You don't have to understand them
You didn't understand the 3am crying either. You just held them. What they need now is for you to stay. Watch the Short.
- Stop decoding. Stay close.
- Skip "Just calm down."
"These lessons are good reminders that our kids are normal and we are normal and this stage of life is difficult for all of us, but we are not alone."
Teaching Emotional Maturity Without Lecturing shows you how to sit with their full emotion.
Step 4 of 6
Step 4: Your words become their inner voice
"What's wrong with you?" becomes what they ask themselves at 30. Before you speak, ask whether you'd want them saying it to themselves for forty years. Watch the Short.
- Don't compare them with a sibling. They hear "you are not enough". (Short)
Teaching Emotional Maturity Without Lecturing has the lines to say instead.
Step 5 of 6
Step 5: Are you really a terrible parent?
The fact you're reviewing your own behaviour is the evidence you're not. They need a parent who messes up, notices, comes back and tries again. Watch the Short.
You Haven't Failed (Even If They Say You Have) helps you let go of "I should have…"
Step 6 of 6
Step 6: Send the text
It's 11:47pm. You've written it three times and deleted it three times. Send it. You don't get to know what it does. Watch the Short.
They Don't Talk Any More is full of small moves like this one.
If this is your house right now
You don't have to find the code alone. What They're Not Saying — Teens is everything that helped us with our own six kids.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for a parent who misses their kid and is willing to grow too. It isn't for a crisis: if your teen is at risk, see a GP or mental health professional first.
Watch the welcome lesson, Independence Is The Goal, tonight. Then send the text.
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
You don’t have to work out what they’re not saying alone
Sharny & Julius’s video course for parents of teens. One payment, lifetime access.
- 19 core video lessons + lifetime updates
- Companion texts for deeper understanding
- Real-world scripts for difficult conversations
- Practical exercises you can implement immediately
One-time payment · Lifetime access
The middle, not the end
The kid who held your hand is still in there. So is the adult they're becoming.
Your job right now is to keep the door open long enough for both to meet you.
One small sentence at a time.
More on reconnecting
Quick clips on this topic
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Questions parents ask
How do I connect with my teenager?
See them as a young adult in training, stay close without needing to understand everything, and choose words you'd want in their head.
What are common parenting mistakes with teenagers?
Comparing them with siblings, harsh labels like "What's wrong with you?", and treating them as the enemy.
Am I a bad parent if my teen seems to hate me?
Julius says the fact you're questioning yourself is evidence you're not. They need a parent who notices and tries again.
How do I apologise to my teenager?
Once and plainly: "I didn't handle that well. I've addressed it. We move forward."
Is it normal to miss my teenager?
Very. Nearly every parent of a teenager feels it, and the distance is usually the middle, not the end.