What Your Teenage Daughter Needs From Her Dad: 3 Things Before It's Too Late

She used to climb into your lap. Now she's 13, her phone lights up at 10pm, and she turns the screen away.

So you give her the speech. Be careful. Boys only want one thing. You can always say no.

I had that speech ready too. Then I realised it mostly made me feel like a good dad.

Why the speech doesn't reach her

I was a teenage boy. Most boys that age are so charged up on testosterone they barely get a say in it.

Think of the street sellers at an overseas market. They'll say anything to make the sale.

"That's what's walking up to your daughter and she's the tourist who's never been overseas."

She's asking: am I pretty enough? When the boy she likes pays her attention, it feels like love.

Here are the three situations she'll actually face, and the words for each, from the video above.

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Step 1 of 5

Step 1: The photo

A boy is going to ask her for a naked photo. It costs him nothing, so every boy asks.

• She thinks she's been picked. He asked everyone.
• Boys and girls aren't the same here. At that age, boys are mostly driven by hormones, girls by their hearts.
• More: when she seems dramatic, when she has a boyfriend.

She's Not Dramatic, She's Drowning walks through the five things she's carrying at once, and what not to say when she floods.

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Step 2 of 5

Step 2: The friend

One of her friends is going to start early. She's not a bad kid, but every friend she brings across makes her feel better about it.

• It won't feel like pressure. It'll feel like FOMO.
• Say it before it happens, so she hears your voice when it does.
• Same talk for cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and gambling. (See bad-influence friends.)

The 4 Life Ruiners takes those four on without a scare campaign.

Sharny's story

Picture her at a party, alone with an older boy she's liked forever. "You can always say no." What does that do for her? Nothing.

My wife Sharny was 13 and a half, with a crush on a popular boy a year older. She kept saying no, until he said he'd find someone else who would.

"I wasn't ready for sex, but I couldn't say no," she says, "because I felt like I was going to lose the one boy that I cared about so much that showed me interest."

She said no, and no wasn't enough.

If your daughter has been pressured, hurt or groomed, get professional help first: your GP, a sexual assault support service, or the police if she's in danger now. The plan below is for before.

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Step 3 of 5

Step 3: The party: a code word

Agree on a word she can text you from anywhere, any time. A word means she doesn't look suspicious to the boy beside her.

• Set it up on an ordinary night, long before she needs it.

Rebuilding Trust: Without Needing Their Approval is for the night she tells you you just want to control everything.

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Step 4 of 5

Step 4: The call: you're the villain

Within one minute of that text, you ring her, and you keep ringing until she picks up.

• No answer after three rings? Set off the Find My iPhone alert. It sounds even on silent. On Android, Find My Device's "Play sound" rings at full volume, even on silent.
• Track her location and get to her fast.
• Her job is to blame you completely. You pay the social price for her.

"It allowed me to see the hurtful things my daughters told me as a compliment and not be so hurt by it."

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Step 5 of 5

Step 5: No questions in the car

If the drive home becomes an interrogation, she won't text next time. Say two things, then stop.

• If she doesn't want to talk, that's fine. Don't pry.
• Your job in that car is to protect her.
• The talk afterwards may be best had with her mum.

They Don't Talk Any More shows you how to protect the car-ride moments, so she brings you the next thing too.

If you're her mum

Sharny is clear you can absolutely do this without a man around. If her teen years bring back your own, Bonus (If You're The Mum) is for you.

If this is your house right now

The video gives you three talks and a code word. What They're Not Saying — Teens is what we're doing with our own six kids.

• 19 core video lessons
• Companion texts, scripts and exercises
• Lifetime access
• A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
• $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)

It's for the dad who wants more than the speech, and the mum doing it alone. It isn't for a crisis: if something has happened, go to a professional first.

Start tonight. Watch the first lesson after she's gone to bed, and pick your code word before the weekend.