7 Parenting Mistakes With Teenagers (and What to Do Instead)
The seven mistakes: invading their privacy, making love feel conditional, assuming you know their world, putting achievement over the child, minimising their feelings, only being there for problems, and trying to control everything. Each comes from love, and each has a simple swap.
Key takeaways
- Make privacy the default and trust the currency.
- Correct the behaviour, and keep the love off the table.
- Ask what they're dealing with. Don't assume.
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- Ask: "Do you want me to listen, or help solving it?"
- Connect when nothing is wrong.
- Control what's yours: your values, boundaries and reactions.
Not long ago, your child couldn't fall asleep without touching you.
Now they barely notice you've walked into the room.
Sometimes that's just the teenage years. Sometimes it's small habits, done out of love, that slowly push them away. I've made a few of these myself.
Underneath the eye rolls, they're asking one question.
Will you still love me when I'm difficult?
Here are the seven mistakes from the video above, and what to do instead.
Step 1 of 7
Step 1: Invading their privacy
Constant checking teaches one lesson: if I want privacy, I have to hide things. Flip the deal.
- You still step in for a genuine safety concern. That's your job.
- Weighing up a specific worry? Read should you check your teenager's phone?
Rebuilding Trust: Without Needing Their Approval explains the trust that replaces blind trust, built on your consistency.
Step 2 of 7
Step 2: Making love feel conditional
The silent treatment and "after everything I've done for you" both say: I love you more when you behave.
- Deal with the behaviour. Keep the love off the table.
- Drugs, theft or anything putting the family at risk? Get professional help.
You Haven't Failed (Even If They Say You Have) has four ways to stop parenting from guilt.
Step 3 of 7
Step 3: Assuming you know their world
We were never bullied in our own bedroom at 11pm, or filmed and shared before we got home. Stop assuming and ask.
- Say "help me understand" more than "when I was your age".
- Do they tell their friends everything? Here's why.
They Don't Talk Any More is about becoming the parent they'd want to talk to again.
Step 4 of 7
Step 4: Loving achievement over the child
When every question is about marks or training, they learn their worth is their performance.
- Celebrate effort, honesty, kindness and owning a mistake.
- Comparison does the same damage. See when they compare themselves to others.
Attention Seeking shows what happens to a kid who only feels they matter when someone's clapping.
Step 5 of 7
Step 5: Minimising their feelings
"You'll laugh about this in a year." True, but today it fills her whole chest, and she'll take the next one to someone else.
- Most of the time they just need to not be alone in it.
"This brings up a lot of wounds and triggers that I don't want to put on my kids. That pushing to see "are you still here, even now?" OOF! Right in the heart."
Teaching Emotional Maturity Without Lecturing takes apart "You'll be fine" and "Why are you overreacting?"
Step 6 of 7
Step 6: Only being there for problems
If you only arrive in force when something's wrong, some teenagers go looking for trouble, because trouble makes you look.
- Car rides, the shops, rubbish TV on a Tuesday.
- When I catch myself doom-scrolling, I put the phone down and go and find my kids.
They Don't Talk Any More shows you the windows when they open up, and how not to waste them.
Step 7 of 7
Step 7: Trying to control everything
The tighter the grip, the harder the push back. Control what's yours, and let them own age-appropriate decisions.
- Yours: your values, your boundaries, your reactions, the standards in your house.
- Theirs: their decisions, and the consequences that come with them.
From Child To Adult: Letting Go Without Abandoning Them is how to loosen the grip without walking away.
If this is your house right now
If three of these stung, you're in good company. What They're Not Saying — Teens is what helped us with our own six kids.
- 19 core video lessons
- Companion texts, scripts and exercises
- Lifetime access
- A bonus introduction to IronMum and IronDad
- $47, one time (shown against $497 retail)
It's for parents who can see their own habits here. It isn't for a crisis: drugs, self-harm or anyone unsafe needs a professional first.
Start tonight, with the mistake that stung most.
What They’re Not Saying · Teens
You don’t have to work out what they’re not saying alone
Sharny & Julius’s video course for parents of teens. One payment, lifetime access.
- 19 core video lessons + lifetime updates
- Companion texts for deeper understanding
- Real-world scripts for difficult conversations
- Practical exercises you can implement immediately
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What they'll remember
You answer that question with patience, by staying calm when they can't.
Years from now they won't remember your rules. They'll remember how it felt to walk through the front door and find you there.
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Questions parents ask
What are the biggest parenting mistakes with teenagers?
Julius's seven are invading privacy, conditional love, assuming you know their world, putting achievement over the child, minimising feelings, only being there for problems, and controlling everything.
Should parents read their teenager's messages?
Julius makes privacy the default and lets honesty earn more freedom. You still step in when there's a genuine safety concern.
How do I stop being a controlling parent of a teenager?
Control what's yours, meaning your values, boundaries and reactions. Let them own age-appropriate decisions and their consequences.
What should I say when my teenager is upset?
Try "That sounds really painful. Do you want me to listen, or do you want help solving it?" Most of the time they just need to not be alone in it.
Am I a bad parent if I've made these mistakes?
No. Julius has made several himself, and each one comes from love. Pick the one that stung most and start there.